Clearest IndicationNights I Can't Remember
by GraveDancer
Summary: A post 4.11 two shot based on two different songs...Clearest Indication and For the Nights I Can't Remember...MerDer
1. Clearest Indication

She was pretty.

Meredith wasn't sure why she had expected her to not be pretty but she was. She was kind of beautiful. Her smile was a little toothy and when she laughed her eyes looked like they may pop out of her head but besides that she was pretty. When she didn't smile or laugh she might even be a model or something, with all that perfect hair. It made sense that she had perfect hair.

And she definitely wasn't a mess.

"Stop staring, it's creepy," Cristina groaned after swallowing a shot of whatever her poison of choice was this evening.

"I'm not staring."

"You're definitely staring."

"It's just…" Meredith sighed, biting her lip as she watched the nurse reach across the table to touch Derek's hand. And Meredith really did try to not feel too triumphant as Derek quickly pulled his hand away from her. "Yesterday, we broke up yesterday and now he's…he's…flirting. And he's on a date. He's on a date and we broke up yesterday."

"Hate to kick you when you're down but you didn't break up yesterday," Cristina shrugged.

"What? Of course we did."

"Oh really?" Cristina raised an eyebrow. "When did you get back together? Because I think I may have missed it completely."

"We…I told him I didn't want him seeing anyone else," Meredith murmured, looking down at her hands.

"And then he said that he wanted to be with only you and got all McDreamy and you decided to give in another go?"

"Well…no."

"So it happened after that?"

"After… he… house plans. He came over the next morning with house plans."

"You're both idiots."

"What?"

"He brought you house plans," Cristina rolled her eyes. "When did the ass have house plans drawn up?"

"He said…he said a few months," Meredith murmured as she looked back at Derek, who was taking a sip of his Scotch and apparently listening to something the nurse was saying. Meredith quickly blinked back tears. "He said it was…was a few months."

"So before or after he decided he was done with Addison?"

"Cristina…"

"Or was it when you chose him over Finn? It had to be before he complained to Burke about you being a ghost after that Ellis mess. Actually maybe it was after you nearly died? Very romantic. Of course it could be why he kept disappearing after that. And we can't forget the flirting with your sister thing. Or you pushing him away. But it couldn't have been it been during the last couple of months of that sex and mockery hell. At one point have you two been on steady enough ground for long enough for him to draw up house plans?"

"Cristina…" Meredith hissed, trying not to notice how Derek's eyes were now on her, or on Cristina, or something else in the general area.

"And now you're sitting there acting like the wronged woman."

"I'm…date, he's on a date," Meredith murmured, looking over and briefly catching his eye. Both looked away quickly. "With the skanky nurse that he kissed."

"When did the skanky kiss happen?"

"What?"

"Was it before or after you told him you didn't want him to see anyone else?"

"Oh um… I don't know," Meredith admitted quietly.

"And yet you're acting like he's some ass who cheated," Cristina shook her head. "I know it's not what you wanted to hear but you weren't together. Hell Mer, you knew he was dating. You had to know kissing might come with dating."

"So you're…you're…you're saying this is my fault," Meredith breathed.

"God no," Cristina rolled her eyes. "McDreamy morphed into McAss. No way is anyone letting him off the hook."

"He was supposed to be waiting for me to be ready," Meredith whispered. "He said he'd wait. And I was trying."

"McAss," Cristina nodded.

"He…lifetime, he said he wanted a lifetime. And kids and dying in my arms when he's one hundred and then. He said all these entirely perfect things that…I want those things. With him. I want those things and…how does someone say those things and take them away a few weeks later?"

"I don't know, Mer," Cristina sighed, gesturing to Joe for them both to get another shot. "He's a man. By definition they fuck up constantly."

"I wanted the house."

"What?"

"Not now, definitely not now," Meredith shook her head quickly. "But eventually, Derek…house and everything, it sounded like a really nice future with him. A kind of amazing future."

"Did you tell him?"

"Yeah, I mean…I said eventually. I told him I wanted to take steps," Meredith whispered, wiping a tear away as she chose to ignore the concerned looks Derek was sending her way. "And it…it wasn't enough. He wanted something more. He wanted her. He wanted it all now."

"Ass."

"What am I supposed to do now?"

"You're not going to beg," Cristina shook her head. "I'll kill you if you beg. He's an ass who couldn't give you a couple of weeks to get your shit together. If anyone is begging, it's him."

"I'm not begging," Meredith shook her head firmly. "He said thing and now he's on a second date in two days with his nurse so no, I'm not begging. Not again. He messed up and I'm not begging. He doesn't deserve begging and he doesn't…he probably doesn't even deserve a second chance. I should just walk away or something. Because he's an ass. And I could…I really…I don't need him. It's just…he's just…"

"Spit it out, Grey."

Meredith didn't answer and silence fell between the two friends as Meredith let herself look at Derek again, watching as he talked to the nurse, who's name she knew but she didn't actually care to remember it. Derek didn't look like Derek. For the first time since she had spotted him, she realized he looked off. He looked tired. He looked like he needed a shave. He looked like he hadn't even touched his hair. And there was something else, something she couldn't even put her finger on.

"I miss him," she finally whispered.

"Oh god…"

"And I love him," Meredith murmured, brushing away at tears. "I mean, not right now. Right now, with his being all McAss-y, I don't love him. I don't. But when he's…when he's him which recently he hasn't been but you know…I love him. I love him in this big scary way that doesn't just go away when he's being an ass. Even when he's being an ass, I love him."

"Meredith…"

"Don't judge me, please don't judge me. Not about this."

"I don't judge you."

"Cristina."

"Fine, I judge you but…" Cristina sighed, toying with her empty shot glass. "I'm about to give you advice and I don't usually do this so you better damn listen."

"Advice?" Meredith murmured.

"You love him," Cristina shrugged. "The man keeps messing up and you keep loving him. It's messed up, Mer. At this point, I don't know why and I don't think he's worth this heartache but you love him all the same so whatever. You have two options."

"Two options."

"You can cut your losses and run. God knows the ass deserves it," Cristina sighed. "And find someone else to love. Who's hair may not be perfect but will treat you a hell of a lot better. This option is easier. It involves denial, avoidance and all of the other things we love. But it may end in heartache and pain."

"What's the other option?" Meredith whispered, cursing under her breath as a wave of fresh tears hit her and she saw Derek frown in concern.

"Have you ever tried talking to him?"

"What?" Meredith frowned. "Of course…we were together. We practically lived together. Of course we talked."

"No, I mean really talk," Cristina sighed. "Not about surgery and how hot you are for each other. Really talk. About the She-Shepherd shit, and the mommy and daddy issues and all that other shit. God, you two are messed up. About that stuff."

"But…but…you and Burke didn't talk," Meredith protested softly. "You never talked, you can't…you can't tell me to talk."

"Burke left me on the altar on our wedding day and had McShithead tell me I was never going to see him again. Is that really how you want this thing with Derek to end?"

"I don't want it to end," Meredith whispered.

"I know," Cristina sighed. "So talk. I'm pretty sure it's the only way to fix this mess. I swear the two of you don't have a brain cell to share sometimes."

"At least he didn't leave me at the altar."

"That was low, Mer," Cristina smirked.

"Sorry," Meredith sighed. "You're being nice and helpful and listening. It's not normal. Someone has to be mean."

"Don't worry. The nice thing won't happen again."

"Good," Meredith nodded, before taking a deep breath and starting to chew on her lip again. "So I should talk to him."

"That or get over his ass."

"Talk."

"Now would probably be good."

"Now?" Meredith's eyes widened. "Not…Cristina…date. He's on a date. With her. I'm not…I can't talk to him about stuff when he's on a date with her. That's just…I can't. I can't. No. Now…now is not good."

"Now is perfect."

"Date," Meredith hissed.

"Oh it's not like he actually likes her," Cristina groaned.

"You don't know that."

"He doesn't," Cristina shook her head. "All that one talks about it getting married and having kids and all that other shit Shepherd has been spewing since you tried to off yourself. And he thinks he wants that. She's a classic rebound. Boring and the complete opposite of what he had."

"Cristina…"

"Besides he's so madly in love with you the man can barely see straight."

"You don't know that."

"Sadly, I do," Cristina sighed, looking over at where Derek and the nurse sat. "If he could see straight he wouldn't have kissed a woman that looks like a horse. Actually…more like a t-rex or something equally as ugly."

"Cristina," Meredith giggled.

"It's true. Did you see her teeth?"

"Yeah," Meredith sighed, toying with her empty shot glass. "Yeah. I want it."

"Want what?"

"All the shit…the marriage and kids and family and all that. I want it with Derek."

"So you said," Cristina sighed. "Now go tell him that for once. Before I decide to do the world a favour and off both of you for making me be all…girly or something."

"Mean," Meredith giggled. She took a deep breath and stood up. "I'm doing it."

"About damn time. And don't forget to tell him that moment after thing. The safe shit or whatever. It's lame but it sounds like something he'd like."

"Yeah…yeah."

Meredith took another deep breath and headed toward the table where the love of her life sat with another woman. It sounded cheesy in her head, the love of her life part at least ad she currently wanted to kick her own ass for thinking that, especially considering their current crap ass situation. But they had been in a crap ass situation more then they had ever been in a good one. And she had always loved him so she saw no point in changing that norm now. As if she even could. Loving Derek Shepherd, even when he was an idiot, was kind of a permanent state of being. She breathed, she thought, she loved Derek.

She was definitely kicking her own ass after this.

"Derek," she said as she reached the table, because she had no idea what else to start with. His name seemed like a good place to start.

"Meredith," he murmured, looking up at her.

Tears, there were tears in his amazing blue eyes that still managed to look vibrant blue in the dark bar.

"I…you…we need to talk."

"Excuse me, but we're on a date," the t-rex named Rose cut in before Derek could say anything else.

"Oh…" Meredith whispered, turning to move away.

"No," Derek said quickly, jumping out of his chair. "I mean…we can talk. If you want. You want to talk?"

"I do," Meredith breathed, ashamed when more tears sprang to her eyes. They had to stop eventually. "I want to talk."

"Okay," he nodded, the remnants of a smile tugging at his lips. "Where?"

"Outside?"

"It's raining, Mer," Derek laughed softly. "The hospital?"

"No…no…not there," Meredith shook her head.

"Your place?"

"That's…no," Meredith murmured, biting at her bottom lip. "Bathroom?"

"Bathroom?" he laughed softly.

"It's…it's private," Meredith shrugged. "And this…we should probably talk in private. Because…this…everyone is going to be talking about the Meredith and Derek show anyway because we're talking…so private. Private washroom. Which is stupid so…"

"The Meredith and Derek show?"

"That's…that's what you got out of that ramble?"

"Private bathroom," Derek smiled softly, now completely ignoring the sounds of protest coming from Rose.

"Okay…"

And then his hand was in hers, squeezing it firmly as he led her through the crowded bar. He was just holding her hand so they wouldn't get separated in all of the people. Meredith was sure of that. That or it was an old habit, one that hadn't died quite yet, that Derek Shepherd held her hand when they walked places. It meant nothing more than that. She just needed to not concentrate on the way her heart had sped up since hand had made contact with hers. Or slowed down to a stop. She wasn't actually sure which it was and she wondered if it was possible to do both, to speed up and slow down at the same time. If it was, Derek's touch made her do it.

"Everyone is going to think we're coming in here to have sex," Derek laughed nervously, squeezing her hand again as he opened the bathroom door.

"Yeah," Meredith giggled, feeling slightly breathless.

"So…" he murmured as the door swung shut.

His lips were on hers, soft as he pulled her tightly into his arms, the kiss remaining gentle as she let out a little gasp and wrapped her arms tightly around him. The kiss tasted like tears, and scotch and Derek. Meredith was quite certain she never wanted it to end. She let her fingers tangle themselves in his curls as his tongue asked for entry into her mouth that she gladly gave. Meredith whimpered into his mouth as she felt his wet cheeks against her own.

"Meredith…" he breathed, pulling away from her slightly, only to drag her close to his chest with a crushing force.

"Derek," she whimpered, burying her face into his chest and cursing under her breath as her shoulders shook with repressed sobs.

"It's okay," he whispered, his hold tightening more as he rocked her ever so slightly. "I'm here…let it go."

"We…we…" she gasped, her fingers fisting around the back of his shirt a she let a sob out. "Oh god."

"We broke up," he whispered, his breath catching as his own shoulders shook.

"Over, we're over…" she murmured, forcing her shaking body further into his arms. This wasn't how this was supposed to be happening. There was supposed to be talking. Talking about really important thing like how badly things had gone between them. She wasn't supposed to be sobbing in his arms, quite certain that he was the only thing holding her up.

"Meredith…" he whimpered, as a sob ripped through him.

"Derek…Der…" she breathed, holding him closer as his body began to shake harder, the sobs wrenching through him, echoing her own.

"We…we…broke up…" he gasped.

They were kissing again, he had her back pinned against the wall, as he kissed her harder this time, a sense of urgency in his kiss that she had never actually felt before. His body trembled as another sob racked through him as she deepened the kiss, her fingers tugging at his curls.

"I…I can't lose you," Derek murmured as he pulled away. "Mistakes…I have made so many mistakes. You can't be one. What happens…happened…between us can't be a mistake."

"I love you."

"What?"

"I love you," Meredith nodded, surprised at how strong and firm her voice suddenly sounded, despite all the tears and the thoughts swirling through her head. "I know…I should have said it a long time ago. I've felt it…I've felt it so much, Der. And I have should have…because now it's too late and you're on a date with her and she's probably great. But I love you, Derek. I really do. I love you."

"You love me," he whispered, his voice shaky.

"No," she shook her head. "I mean, yes, yes, I love you but you…you can't talk. Because you could say things and I have…I have things to say. And if you say things, I can't promise that I'll ever get to say my things. So no talking."

"Okay," he nodded, reaching to brush a tear off her cheek.

"I love you," she whispered, taking a deep breath. "I love you so much. And this…I don't want this. I don't want us to be this mess that I don't even recognize and…I don't want this. I want…I want to be with you. And happy. But we hurt each other, we…all we do is hurt each other. I never meant to hurt you. I don't think you ever meant to hurt me but we do…and I…I love. I want everything with you. I just can't…"

"You don't trust me," he finished for her.

"Oh…" she sighed, looking down. "I didn't know if you heard that…"

"You kind of yelled it at me."

"I didn't think you were listening."

"I was," Derek nodded firmly nodded. "And I get it…"

"No," Meredith stopped him. "No talking, I said no talking."

"Oh, sorry," he smiled slightly, pressing a light kiss on her lips.

"Hmmm…" she breathed, and then shook her head. "No. None of that either. Just…listen."

"Listening."

"I love you. I can't trust you, not after everything. Not after Addison and Rose and the chief thing which I still don't…I don't even know. I don't know how to trust you anymore. And I don't think you should trust me. Because…I tried to kill myself and I made you…you shouldn't trust me. But you do love me or you did, at some point…you did."

"Meredith…"

"No, no," she shook her head quickly. "One way or another, I don't want to hear it. Not now. Later, you can tell me…later. Because I want it, Derek. I want it all. The married things, and the house…the was perfect, stupid perfect. And kids…maybe…I think…yes, maybe. I want it, the lifetime, the one hundred and ten years and all that stuff, I want it all. With you. Not right now, I don't want it all right now. Eventually. Or I did. I wanted it."

"You…you want it?" he breathed, wiping a tear off his own cheek.

"I did. And now…I don't know. I love you so much but I can't trust you and if I can't…I don't know how to want it now, Derek. You're on a date. You're on a date with someone that's not me. You're moving on and I'm not begging this time. I'm not going to point out how great she is and then tell you to pick me. Because I'm not that girl anymore. I don't want to be. And she…she's not that great. And that's not some petty thing, she's just…does she bite? I mean, all those teeth and…I know that's mean, I do. But you're on a date with her so I think it's allowed. She's just…she knew. She had to know about us and she still went there, which is…I know it's partly your fault, but she…who with any self respect would get in the middle of this mess? So her…not that great."

"Meredith…"

"Still talking," she snapped. "So this is not me begging. This is me…this is me just saying that I love you. And I want things. Even though I can't trust you…I eventually want things. With you, only with you. So I…I want to make this work or something."

"You…you want to make this work? You want to work through our issues?"

"If…if it means I get to be with you, I do. And I'm not…I don't want to get back together. Not yet. But if…if you want to be with me, we both have to be in this. So you can't date her. Or anyone else. And maybe I don't have the right to demand that anymore but if we're working on us…it has to be just us."

"Okay…"

"And you…this isn't a decision, Derek. I'm not asking you to pick me because…if you…she should be a non-option or whatever. If you meant one word of everything you ever said, if you love me that much…there should be nothing to pick. This shouldn't be a decision."

"Mer, it's…"

"And now…you're still not going to talk. You're not going to say anything because you should think. I said things, I said a lot of things and now you should think. Think about what you want, what you really want."

"I…."

"Derek, I mean it, you need to think about what you want. You always do what other people want but now…what do you want? Think…just…this won't be easy. I get that. If we try, it won't be easy…just think."

"I'll think."

"And I…I really need to breathe."

"That was kind of amazing, Mer," he laughed softly as she let her body sag against him.

"It kind of was," she giggled softly.

"It was."

"Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like that. If you look at me like that you don't have to talk to…I know things when you look at me like that."

"Maybe I want you to."

"No," she shook her head. "Even if…I want you to know. I want right now there not to be a doubt in your head about what you want. But still…I said a lot and I changed everything. So please just think because you need to be sure. This isn't going to be easy and you just need to be sure."

"Hmmm…" he nodded.

"Oh Der," she murmured, suddenly wrapping her arms around his neck.

"This isn't like you," he breathed, squeezing her tightly.

"The talking part or the depending on you part?"

"All of it."

"I know," she whispered. "But it feels like me. I think…maybe this is me except a new me that wants to fight…that…that doesn't want to stop swimming."

"Hmmm…" he breathed, kissing her neck softly.

"I'm going to go now."

"Okay."

"And I'll…later, we'll talk later."

"I love you."

Meredith opened her mouth to protest but instead leaned for and lightly brushed her lips against his, deepening the kiss only a little as he pulled her closer, groaning as her tongue lightly played against his, sighing at the feel of his muscles against her.

"I love you too," she whispered as she pulled away. "I just…I need to know if we have a chance or if I should just move on."

Before she could hear Derek's answer, she was gone.

_Where do we stand, what am I supposed to do  
Give me the clearest indication,  
that I am not alone with you_


	2. For the Nights I Can't Remember

"She wants to get back together."

It was the next night and somehow he had found himself in the exact same place he had been the night before, tucked in a booth at Joe's, staring down at a glass of scotch that he wasn't even sure he was in the mood for. Nothing had changed.

Except everything had changed.

In the past twenty four hours his whole entire world had managed to change. He wasn't even sure where his footing was anymore.

Except Meredith loved him.

Which was probably something.

"Of course she does."

"She says she loves me."

"Of course she does."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Derek asked, taking a gulp of his scotch, wincing as the hot liquid burned down his throat, for once doing nothing to calm his ever noisy head.

"It means this is what you do, Shep," Mark shrugged, taking a sip of his own scotch. "One of you takes a step forward, the other takes a step back, two steps forward, three steps back. It's some kind of fucked up dance."

"A dance? You're comparing my relationship with the love of my life to a dance?"

"Yeah."

"You're definitely no help."

"Shep, if you want me to be a help…stop dancing."

"You… " Derek breathed, snapping his head quickly around to look at his best friend. This was certainly not the kind of advice he had been hoping for when he came here with him tonight. "You think I should end it with her."

"I didn't say that," Mark denied quickly.

"Maybe I should," Derek sighed, ignoring the squeezing in his heart as he played with the cup in his hands. "This is such a mess and every time we're together it just become this. Maybe we're not meant to be together. Maybe it was a moment of pure lust and we got caught up in it and made it into something it's not. I should just end it."

"Do you actually believe any of that shit?"

"No."

"What did she say?" Mark asked, taking another sip of his scotch.

"She loves me."

"Got that one already, Shep."

"She loves me," Derek repeated anyway. "And then, she probably said more than I've ever heard her say. She loves me but she doesn't trust me. She loves me and she wants everything I want, Mark. She wants the house and everything. She just doesn't trust me. But she wants to. She wants to trust me and work on this because I'm what she wants."

"And you want…"

"I want her."

"Call me an idiot but I'm missing the problem."

"It's just…" Derek sighed, gulping at the amber liquid in his glass. "It's so damn hard. It's not supposed to be this hard. It would be easier with Rose, starting fresh, starting from scratch without the trust issues and the…mess that we are."

"Except issues tend to follow you everywhere."

"Since when have you started talking in riddles?"

"Since my best friend hit his head and apparently forgot how to figure this kind of thing out on his own."

"Could you just explain yourself?"

"Grey's not the only one in this fucked up equation that has issues, Shep," Mark shrugged. "And yours would just follow you to your next relationship."

"I know Mer's not the only one with issues."

"Do you?"

"Of course I do," Derek nodded firmly. "But there's so much shit that her and I have been through, it wouldn't be there anymore. I could just do this again."

"You do realize it's your fault she can't trust you right?"

"I know that, Mark," Derek groaned, chugging back the end of his drink.

"I don't think you do."

"That's part of this," Derek snapped before taking a deep breath. "How am I supposed to put her through that again, Mark? How am I supposed to put her through all that hurt again when she deserves a hell of a lot more? All I do is hurt her. All I do is destroy anything we even start to build. I can't do that to her again, I can't put us through that. She deserves more than me so maybe I should just walk away."

"You're the one that chose your wife," Mark shrugged and Derek fought the urge to punch his best friend.

"I know, Mark," Derek spat.

"And knowing you, there's probably twenty different times that you weren't there when you should have been."

"You have no idea what you're talking about."

"I don't?" Mark demanded. "Because last time I checked, I grew up with your sorry ass. I know what you do, I know how you are. I know there were times you should have been there and you weren't. It's happened with every girlfriend you ever had."

"It has not…"

"Bullshit, Shep. Why do you think your marriage with Addison failed so badly?"

"It failed for a lot of reasons, Mark. One of which was you sleeping with her."

"I only got to sleep with her because you weren't there."

"We're not having a fight about Addison," Derek groaned. "That's ancient history. I forgave you both and now Mer…"

"And now you're making the same mistakes with Meredith."

"I am not."

"Think about it, Shep. For five seconds."

"I…fine, maybe I've made some of the same mistakes. But Meredith isn't blameless in this."

"Never said she was."

"We've both messed this up. Shouldn't I just cut my losses and get out? Relationships aren't supposed to start out this hard, they're not supposed to start this messy. It's just a waste."

"You could do that," Mark nodded.

"Rose is easy."

"For now," Mark shrugged. "Eventually it will get hard because that's how life works, things get hard. Things get hard and you run. You go with Rose now…a few years from now you'll be sitting on your stupid ass with me, bellyaching about Rose and watching Meredith with her new more functioning boyfriend. And you'll be wishing to hell that you would have been smart enough to grab her while you actually had the chance."

"Mark…"

"Derek, you want to get married and have kids and that other bullshit, right?"

"Of course," Derek nodded.

"That means you're eventually going to have to stop with this running away thing."

"I don't run away," Derek snapped. 

"Of course not, do you need me to make a list Shep?" Mark asked. "Because you run, shit gets hard, you get gone. It's pathetic and lame but we all love you too much to care."

"You love me?"

"I meant in the general family loves you way," Mark groaned. "The point is, if you ever want this thing to work out for you, the whole happily ever after shit, you can't just turn away and run when things get hard. Hard is part of the relationship bullshit."

"I know it is, I don't run."

"Really? Because I remember it starting at a pretty damn young age. Your first girlfriend and you ended after her parents went through a divorce and she was going through hell. You dumped that girl in college because it was too hard to balance with the school work. And Addison…okay, we probably don't want to relive that but you know what the hell you did. Now Meredith, things are going to be a little messy and you're thinking of walking away from the love of your life because of it. It's completely messed up, Shep."

"Mark…"

"It's not even just in relationships. You disappeared for days after Dad died. You crashed your bike and you never got back on."

"I nearly killed myself."

"You had a minor concussion."

"I could have killed myself," Derek groaned. "Why would I get back on the bike if I could kill myself?"

"Because if you want to be happy, you have to take that risk."

Derek groaned before taking another swig of his scotch. They weren't actually talking about the bike. Somehow Mark had managed to make that clear without saying anything, which was impressive for him. They were talking about Meredith and taking the risk at being happy with her. Which he wanted, he wanted to take the risk. It just seemed a little on the side of insane. He usually tried to avoid insane.

"I do love her."

"I know you do, Shep," Mark nodded. "That's my point. You can run again if you want but I'm pretty sure you'd be making the biggest mistake of your life."

"There's a lot of baggage."

"Everyone has baggage."

"I know," Derek sighed. "I know that, Mark."

"So you're going to have to put up with someone's. I don't see why it can't be Grey's. You love her, right?"

"You know I do."

"And she's suddenly standing there, all big and strong and together, she finally grew up or at least has decided she wants to grow up and you're sitting here bitching to me because?"

"I'm an idiot."

"Glad you're finally seeing it."

"It's just…this is big, Mark. Deciding to try this again with Meredith, it's big. It's bigger than anything I've ever done."

"And you love her."

"And I love her."

"So take the risk with her. There's a chance you'll crash and kill yourself but there's always that risk. It's just something you have to deal with. If you want to be happy, you have to take the risk. And Grey…I swear Shep, if you walk away from her you're going to turn into one of those old crazy guys, living in the house you built for her, telling anyone who will listen about the one that got away."

"When did you get so smart?"

"I'm a regular Yoda, Shep. I'm wise."

"That's…" Derek laughed. "Seriously, Mark, how the hell do you know how to give relationship advice? Did you call Kath?"

"No," Mark shrugged. "I just get that they're hard. It's why I avoid them."

"Of course."

"So what are you going to do?"

"You really think I should try this?"

"Derek, the way I see it…there's two options…you run now and you spend the rest of your life wondering what could have happened. Or you give it a try and if it all goes to hell, at least you know."

"I love her."

"That should be all that matters."

"I…" Derek breathed, draining his glass, closing his eyes he let the familiar burning sensation take him back to the first night he had sat in this bar, the night that he had noticed the gorgeous blonde that had somehow managed to capture him in the madness that was her in just one night. Nothing had actually been the same in his life since that moment. He wasn't even sure if it would ever be again and he couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not.

"I have to go talk to her."

"No kidding," Mark laughed. "Get Joe to call you a cab, you're in no shape to make that drive."

"I'll walk it," Derek shrugged.

"You'll walk it? Shep, it was raining when we came in here a couple of hours ago," Mark pointed out.

"It's only a couple of blocks. And I want to be sober when I get there."

"Okay, be an idiot, it's what you do best."

"Yeah, yeah," Derek sighed. "Thanks."

"You would have figured it out eventually."

"But it may have been too late."

"I know," Mark nodded. "Go get her, Shep. Grab hold of your happily ever after or shit like that."

"Going."

It wasn't raining anymore. Derek was grateful for that, happy that it had turned into the light mist that he had grown accustomed to in the last year of living in Seattle. It was a short walk but he didn't need to do it in pouring rain without a jacket on. 

A cab would have been a better choice but he couldn't wait for that, he couldn't wait for a cab to come pick him up and take him to Meredith.

He was an idiot. He hadn't even known it but he was an idiot. He ran. It was something that had never crossed his mind before. He knew he wasn't perfect, he knew he was too blame for some of the things that had happened with him and Meredith but he had never considered the fact he ran. When things got hard, he got out of there. He didn't know why, he didn't actually care why, but Mark's words had rung of truth and that seemed to be all that mattered. His entire life, anytime something got too hard, too scary and big he got out of there. He ran. He ran till he had almost destroyed everything in his life.

And for some messed up reason, he had been ready to run again.

Meredith Grey was far from perfect. She was a mess. She was a bundled up group of issues and fears and everything else that made someone less than perfect. Years ago, before he had met Addison, he never would have picked someone like Meredith for himself. He had never wanted someone like her, he had never dreamed that his princess was going to be anything but a princess. That she would probably roll her eyes if he actually called her princess, roll her eyes and gag. He would have never imagined himself falling in love with the beautiful complicated mess that was Meredith Grey.

Except he had.

Somehow she had worked her way under his skin, somehow in a year she had become his everything and right now, in this moment of clarity he had no idea why he had ever considered walking away. He couldn't fathom why he had thought he could fall in love with someone else. Being with Meredith would never be easy. She had a lot of hurt parts and he knew them all.

He loved her anyway.

And she was about to break down his very last wall. He was actually terrified. His heart was racing as he walked up her front steps and he was probably actually shaking and not just from the cold he was just beginning to feel. This was the biggest and most important thing he had ever done.

He rang the doorbell.

"Derek…" she breathed, seconds later. 

"Meredith…"

"What? What are you doing here?" she murmured, stepping forward slightly, confusion wrinkling her forehead.

"I…I don't want to run."

"What?"

"I run," Derek sighed, having no idea what he had even planned on saying when he got here. He had just known he wanted the chance with her. "When things get hard, I run, Mer. Anytime something gets hard, I go the opposite direction."

"And this just got really hard," Meredith whispered, some fear creeping in her eyes.

"It has," he nodded slowly. "But I don't want to run this time. I want to stop running. I want to stand still. With you. I want to stand still with you."

"Oh…"

"Oh," Derek nodded.

"I thought…and it was…you…you're soaking wet," Meredith murmured, chewing on her bottom lip as she studied him carefully. "Did you walk here?"

"Yeah."

"It's raining, Der."

"Misting," he corrected.  
"And now you're…you're shivering," she frowned, reaching for his arm. "You're freezing, Derek. Get in here. I have some of your clothes upstairs. Dry clothes. Why the hell did you walk here?"

"I was drinking at Joe's, Mark didn't think I should drive."

"You're drunk?"

"No," he said quickly. "I just had a few and I'm sober, Mer. I swear I'm sober and I don't want to run. I don't."

"Okay…okay…" she whispered, the hand holding onto his arm slipping to find his fingers as she turned to lead him up the stairs and to her bedroom. He smiled at the warmth of her hand and tried to keep his breathing to a norm. This wasn't the time to break down. He couldn't cry as she was leading up to the bedroom that just forty eight hours before he had thought he would never see again.

"Mer…"

"They're in this drawer," Meredith murmured, her voice sounding shaky as she released his hand and walked toward her dresser. "I wasn't…I saw them yesterday and I nearly threw them out but your Columbia shirt is here and I know you love that shirt so I figured it was probably…I put them all in ….sit down. You should sit down and under the covers because you're cold and covers are good at warming people and…

"You're rambling."

"No, I'm just…" she sighed, grabbing some clothes into her arms as he slowly made his way to the bed, sitting at the edge, hoping his wet jeans wouldn't leave her bed wet for the rest of the night. "I'm not rambling you just need dry clothes and blankets because sick…you could get sick and it would be my fault so…"

"Mer…"

"This isn't going to be easy."

"What?"

"I know you said you don't want to run but that was probably…that's probably stupid," she murmured, walking to stand in front of him. "I get it. I get that you run and…I run. I run from everything so I get the running thing. But if you...this might not be the best time to stop running because this…we're a mess, Derek. This is going to be hard. Probably… a lot harder than it should be and I'm not…I still don't. I'm terrified and I have no idea what I'm doing so stopping running now…"

"Probably a little insane," Derek breathed.

"Probably a little insane," Meredith echoed, her fingers gently working their way through his damp curls.

"It's just…things you're saying, I like them. I like the idea of not running and really being in this and I want that, Derek. You know I do it's just…you can't run. If you're going to say you're in this and you want it to be hard, you have to stay. You can't run."

"I wasn't planning to."

"If we're doing this…it's forever, Derek. There's no finish line or whatever. If you don't want to run…this is it. Me and you. Forever."

"Forever…" he breathed.

"Der…"

"Meredith, can I talk?"

"Oh umm…okay."

"I'm not running," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I'm terrified and I've never actually done this hard thing before but I have to grow up eventually. I'm not running. I'm in this. I love you and I'm in this. Forever, Mer."

"What if it's too hard?"

"There is no hard when it's us," he breathed, grateful that the words were finally coming to him. "I don't even know why I thought about running. I must have been crazy. I've been in love with you since the first moment and I'll be in love with you forever. And being with you…being with you is the hardest thing I have ever done. You are a complete mess but so am I, so I think it's okay. I love you. It might be crazy, I might be going insane, but I love you and I am not running. Not this time."

"You…you can't say those things unless you mean them, Der," she whispered. "You say things and then you…don't say those things unless you mean them because I can't do this again."

"I mean them," he nodded firmly. "I'm terrified, Mer. The idea of giving this another try, a real one…I've never been more terrified of anything. I've never not run before, Mer. But you're the first thing that's ever made me want to stay."

"Oh…" Meredith breathed.

"I know we have trust issues to work through but please trust me on this," he murmured. "I want this. I spent time to think about what I want. I want to be with you. Even if it's pure hell at first, even if we have to go to therapy and whatever else…all I want is you."

"Derek…"

"I love you," he breathed, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"I love you too," she murmured.

Their lips met gently as Derek felt his breathing return to normal for the first time in hours. This was them, this was going to be okay. She moaned softly as he deepened the kiss.

"Der…you…wet, you're all wet…" Meredith breathed, her fingers traveling to the bottom of his shirt and pulling it over his head.

"Meredith…" he gasped.

"Derek…" she groaned, running her fingers along his chest, trailing them through his chest hair.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she murmured, pulling back slightly to pull her tshirt over her head, revealing a black bra underneath. She was on him again in second, her lips soft and searching against his, the kiss remaining gentle as she moved to straddle his legs, their chests pressing tightly together as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. 

The thoughts in his head became mumbled and fuzzy after that, as he worked at releasing her bra, tonguing her nipples as she pulled his damp jeans over his hips, his boxers soon following. She kissed him hard as he pulled her sweats down to her ankles, letting his hands smooth over her bare ass, groaning at the feels as he pulled her toward him, deepening the kiss as their bare chests rubbed together, shocks of lust running through them as their nipples brushes up against each other, their hands grasping hungrily, scratching at each other's backs.

She slipped onto him then, straddling him as he stayed sitting on the edge of her bed.

Their hips rocked hard to meet each other, their lips keeping contact as they moved slowly, hands exploring each other's bodies. Meredith pulled away for a second, and their eyes locked before Derek crashed his lips to her again, his hips rocking harder as she tightened around him, the orgasm washing over her quickly. His brain grew blank as he drove into her trembling body harder, bringing her to another quick orgasm as he emptied himself into her.

"Der…" she breathed, clinging to him as they both returned to their bodies.

"Mer…"

"I…I…"

"Shhh…" he murmured, slipping out of her but keeping her in his arms as he tugged her gently toward the head of her bed, helping her as they both slipped under the covers. 

"I just…"

"Head spinning?" 

She nodded.

"Not from the sex?" he asked, pulling her a little tighter to him.

She nodded again.

"It's okay, Mer," he whispered, rocking her gently. "A lot…the last two days have been kind of big."

"It's just…I just…I didn't want to die."

"Hey…hey…" Derek protested softly. "None of that, not tonight. We're not talking about that stuff tonight. It can wait, Mer. We've done a lot of talking and all of that, it can wait till the morning."

"Oh…okay," she nodded slightly. "But we will talk?"

"We will."

"It's just…I'm happy that you…trying and not running, I'm happy, I am but we're still, I still can't trust you. We can't…last time we kind of acted like everything just went away because we got back together but this time…we can't…we can't pretend the issues didn't exist just because you chose me."

"We're not going to. We will talk."

"Okay."

"Just not tonight."

"I'm sorry, Der, for everything. At least…I need to say that. I'm sorry for everything I put you through."

"I know you are," he nodded slowly, his hand working it's way across her bare back. "I am too, Mer. I made mistakes, I messed up. And I'm sorry too, I'm sorry I put you through that."

"I know you are."

"And the rest…the rest can wait till the morning."

"Okay," she breathed. "Are you…you were wet, are you dry? Warm?"

"I'm dry and warm," he nodded, holding her a little closer.

"Your hair is going to be a mess in the morning," she giggled.

"You'll have to deal with it."

"I will," she nodded, sagging slightly into his body as she began to relax further, sleep starting to wash over her. "Don't leave my bed, Der."

"I won't."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I think we finally got that right," she giggled, the sound coming out muffled and drowsy and Derek looked down to find her eyes closed, her face snuggled up tightly to his chest.

"Sleep, Mer."

"Hmmm…" she breathed.

He shifted slightly, holding her tighter as he let his own eyes fall shut, temporarily letting himself forget to be scared and just concentrate on good he felt right now.

It wasn't till she let out her first small snore that he remembered he needed ear plugs.

_I need you to know I will  
Believe me girl I'm so tired of running  
I just wanna hold your hand  
Stare at you like you've got everything I need_


End file.
